Everyone knows that commuting is the pinnacle of the working day, but how about a few hacks to make it even more ridiculous?

Plan your commute in advance

Why not try arranging the morning meeting so that it doesn’t fit with the train timetable?, making you either ridiculously earlier, or embarrassingly late for a key meeting. Whilst boarding the train you can let another commuter slam the cafe door right in your face, scalding your chest and face with a piping hot latte, delicious! Notice one of your neighbours is in the same train carriage. Ignore them.

Pre book your train seat next to someone who has not yet developed social awareness. You can share the experience of watching last night’s Eastenders at full volume, whilst being showered with a lovely cascade of Gregg’s crumbs from their festive bake. Or better still stumble down five carriages, tripping over every piece of luggage to the buffet car. In the act of procuring a bacon sandwich, forget where you were originally sitting and abandon your briefcase at Milton Keynes.

Manage your wellbeing while travelling

Use the facilities at Euston train station and experience what it must have smelled like in the unwashed privies during the reign of Elizabeth I. Watch a fellow traveller manhandle the sandwiches in Boots in the sound knowledge that they didn’t wash their hands 5 minutes ago. Read half of a book in WH Smiths whilst waiting for your connection. Do not buy it. Run for the train even though you have a reserved seat.

Consider alternative forms of transport

Of course you could always use the car which your partner ‘forgot’ to put petrol in. Drive it 10 minutes to the park and ride, spend the next 3 hours stuck in traffic on a bus with Derek from accounts, talking about his irritable bowel. Alternatively drive the full journey to work where, due to limited parking on site you can cruise the car park hoping someone will leave, then ultimately pay for parking in a multi storey 10 minutes away. Try not to get angry that you already get a salary deduction to pay for parking as a ‘benefit’ each month.

Think about the environment

If you are feeling climate minded you can always jump on your bike. Arrive at work, sweating profusely, smelling like a tractor exhaust. Refuse to utilise the work shower because its:

a) weird to be naked at work

b) Rumours of a dead rat in there have been widely circulated

c)You forgot to bring a towel

Could you work remotely?

It’s probably safer to work from home, even if your boss immediately thinks you are not doing anything productive. Don’t tell them you have redecorated your kitchen and watched all of Game of Thrones as you casually search for new jobs just to keep your mouse jiggling every afternoon ‘in case they are watching’. Develop your own rules about acceptable coffee consumption before midday. Stand up during a teams call inadvertently letting everyone know you wear superman pyjama bottoms around the house. Train the dog to only need letting out for a wee when you need to unmute the call.

Final thoughts

Congratulations! You made it to work. Now it’s time to settle down with a very average instant coffee and spend the next 8 hours discussing productivity in the workplace and reducing colleague stress. It’s just what being an adult is all about, isn’t it?

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